Pygmy Marmoset

Callithrix pymaea

The Encyclopedia of Life has betrayed my trust and refused to fill its banks with any useful information except for that regarding fish and even then they are fairly wretched articles so I have taken it upon myself to resort to the common man's Wikipedia in order to continue my quest to judge the panoply of life. While the information may not be pertinent, relevant or even accurate, it is at least existent and that's good enough for me. So where was I?

Ah yes, the Pygmy Marmoset: the Chicken Nugget of the Primates. Small, compact and easily digestible, these little fellows gambol about in the savage jungles of the more southern America, waiting for bold adventurers to capture them and prepare them for the consumption of the general populace. While not having a great deal of meat on their tiny bones or much fur on their playful bodies, these little fellows remind us of just how glorious we are. All of primatedom can come together and devour these, the smallest of monkeys and no-one could blame us.

I judge them: Worthy of Existence. Because someone has to live at the bottom and it might as well be these little mittens-to-be.

Now with audio!

White Pine Weevil

Pissodes strobi

I judged it worthy of extinction and lo, a way was provided. The enemy of pines everywhere, this creature just may be our ticket to a treeless paradise. Imagine if we could use our science to monkey with this weevil's mechanics so we could target any trees, not just pines. Why, our power over those silent and looming menaces would be complete. The trees may have declared war but God has given us the A-bomb.

Also, just look at that proboscis; doesn't make you just want to curl up with the little sucker. I know I do. Let's give a little hurrah for our little friend. Don't worry though, if they get out of hand, there are some lovely parasites that enjoy the taste of the Pine Weevil's young. It's win win!

I Judge them: Worthy of Existence (as far as our war on trees is concerned)

Now with Audio!

Eastern White Pine

Pinus strobus

I have never trusted trees and the Eastern White Pine is no exception. I find something deeply unsettling about their cold and distant nature, as if they harbour the dark secrets of the world in their grisly core. Trees have paid obeisance to man through furniture and cudgel making for aeons and yet still they loom over us, questioning our authority with their very height. This pine has certainly contributed much to mankind's endeavours in this hemisphere through medicine, softwood furniture and, presumably, comfortable cudgels. Oh, and switches, let us never forget switches with which we repair the headstrong nature of today's youths. Despite this seeming generosity, until the pine bows to its lords and masters, I will never truly accept it.

I Judge them: Worthy of Extinction (Ow! I have a sharp pain in my kidneys! If only there were something I could brew into tea to alleviate the symptoms. Ah well.)

Now with Audio!

Atlantic Cod

Gadus morhua

Initial research into this fish produced nothing of interest. It's a cod, we eat it, the end. Aside from their cannibalistic attention paid to their young, there was hardly anything to judge here. Then, gentle reader, I checked the EOL's Common Name section and that's where the magic happened. Due to the large quantities of cod devoured by man, we have come to pay it a lot of attention but can't seem to agree on a name.

Here is just a smattering of the myriad pseudonyms for this aquatic c-student: The berry fish, the breeder, the bull dog, the Christmas fish, cod (unsurprisingly although it is also known as the cod-fish to avoid confusion), Duffy, the dumb fish, the eating fish, fish (why not?), the grog fish, the hard cure, the hen, the Italian, the Laggy, the Merchantable, the mother fish, the old soaker, the pea, the slop, the snig, the snub, the strip, the torsk, and the tom-cod. These are only a sample and the list goes on and on in multiple languages. From these names, a richer perspective of this fish opens up. Apparently they are dumb, eaten at Christmas and also a fish. What a remarkable vocabulary our fish-naming ancestors had.

I Judge them: Worthy of Extinction (I'm really not a fan of fish, besides, I think we're done with this one)

Rufous Twistwing

Cnipodectes superrufus

With striking plumage and a name reminiscent of a Dickensian villain, the rufous twistwing is a delightfully strange little bird. Found in South America where it flitters close to the ground devouring unseemly flies, it should showcase to us the resounding variety found throughout life on earth. It should also frighten us with its red eyes that scream death. Some birds are still dinosaurs and this one is a startling example. Just look at it perched on that fine human hand. Its malicious gaze speaks volumes of hatred and a patient loathing. On top of that, this tyrannid has the ability, through its misshapen wings, to produce a mechanical whirring sound as it tears through the undergrowth, looking for life to snuff. We must be very careful and very wary around this miniature killer lest we fall victim to it.

Its striking plumage would add a nice accent to a tyrolean hat or any other hat found in mountain climes.

I Judge it: Worthy of Existence (if for no other reason than to keep the flies in constant terror)

Giant Helicopter Damselfly

Megaloprepus caerulatus


These South American arboreal dwellers are a fascinating study and I include them for two reasons. First off, they teach today's youth a valuable lessons as their larvae fight and eat each other for dominance and supposedly, to impress girls. I feel that the school systems could only be improved if ritualized cannibalism were introduced into the elementary classrooms. Obviously, as humans, we would keep it contained and controlled and possibly charge admission to watch but it could only aid our ailing education process. Secondly, the adults feed on a former entry, our good old friend the orbweaver spider. I have to say, it takes stones being a wispy looking thing with the name damselfly and going straight into spiderwebs after a creature that is much cooler and more evil-looking than you. My applause.

Unfortunately, there is little to no hat potential with these things. I really hope the EOL starts adding some mammals because my head is getting cold.

I Judge them: Worthy of existence (especially if we can grow some supersized ones and use them to target giant enemy spiderwebs)

Cafeteria Roenbergensis

Cafeteria roenbergensis

In this politically correct day, it is considered racist to speak ill of scientists but I feel I must risk being labeled thus so that the truth will out. To be frank, scientists are running out of names for things. If the Mark Knopflerosaurus weren't proof enough, behold the Cafeteria roenbergensis. Now this hungry little fellow is an industrious little bacteria eater and goes about its singular task with aplomb. It flagellates around in the oceans, doing its duty to the supposed "ecosystem." Lazy scientists, however, when taxed with taxonomy decided to name this creature after the first thing they saw, namely a hostel in Denmark. This would be like me eating a hamburger, spotting some new strain of lemur and deciding that Hamburger Mcdonaldensis is a deucedly fine name for this arboreal creature. Lazy and lame.

I Judge them: Worthy of Extinction (To teach scientists a lesson and to encourage creativity amongst their ranks. Perhaps they should consider hiring more theatre majors, hint hint.)

Prickleleaf

Hecastocleis shockleyi

This unique yet dull little plant does precious little for man but arouse our botanists. This is hardly a practical use in this workaday world where we must concern ourselves with important things like the rediscovery of phlogistan before the inevitable heat death of the universe. Trifles like the prickleleaf only get in the way. However, easily more intriguing than this Nevadan shrub is that in my research on it, I have discovered something the scientists have been trying to hide from the rest of us: the existence of the Supertree! Now, research into this Supertree yields only the scientists' smoke screen description of it as a taxonomical tool but their lies will only keep them warm in Hell. I know the truth of the matter, having inferred it from my own sleep deprived brain.

The Supertree came to our planet from fabled Mithraaas and seeks to devour us as it did the inhabitants of that peaceful world. Fearing its mighty bows and seductive yet toxic resin, the scientists have it locked away and experiment on it to locate the phylogeny of various plant forms but in their hubris, they are only falling into its trap. We must take this tree from them and use it as God intended as a weapon against our enemies. Only then will the destiny of the Supertree be achieved and will man have once again showed its dominance not only over own planet's creations but of those from the dark and cold stars!

The taste of the prickleleaf appears to be unconfirmed but I'm guessing it's only so-so.

I Judge it: Worthy of Existence (It is our only link to the Supertree and we must burn the truth out of it)

Australian Giant Cuttlefish

Sepia apama


There is a lurking horror in the sea and its name is the cuttlefish. All cephalopods are the hated enemy of man and this one is no exception. With the power of instant camouflage and powerful eyes capable of focusing in our doom, these giant mollusks could wring the life out of our species if we are not careful. There are, however, a few things in our favour. First off, they are incredibly lazy. I'm talking Belgium lazy. All but five percent of their day is spent resting or siesta as they call it. When they feed, it is a grisly ordeal but we are safe as long as they maintain their nigh-perpetual slumber. Second, they live for only a year or two which means we have the edge as far as revenge is concerned. It is unclear how much vengeance they are able to pass to their young but it can't be as horrifying as having a long lived cuttlefish at the bottom of the ocean plotting against us. Finally and this is the kicker, we know where they mate annually and we have access to gallons of turpentine. I'm just saying.

I would also like to wear one on my head.

I Judge them: Worthy of Existence (until they start the attack but by the then it might be too late for us)

American Burying Beetle

Nicrophorus americanus

Never before has a creature so readily combined sex and death into its very existence. These miniature Sweeney Todds dance a nightly macabre tango wherein they fight over corpses, bury said corpses with their lady loves and then mate in victory over said corpses. I find it....rather stimulating, I must confess. While we've pushed these little morticians to the brink of extinction and I am inclined to let us just add that extra shove to exert our authority, these little fellows have wiggled their shiny carapaces into my heart and I think we should give them a chance if for no other reason then to act as a reminder that sinful, erotic behaviour leads to a gradual decline in numbers across North America and Not the expansion of housing developments and the killing off of large predators (both of which are awesome and necessary for the survival of our species' awesome). So I will set aside taste and hatitude this day and allow this twisted little Cronenberg Beetle to go about its day.

I Judge them: Worthy of Existence (although I don't think it'll help. Housing developments rule!)

Death Cap

Amanita phalloides


Oh cruel and mocking nature, why do you tempt us with your dark creations? Here we have a fungus whose very name connotes the idea of a jaunty chapeau but it is a filthy lie. You could no more wear a death cap on a rainy day then you could the king of Bhutan. Not only that but they are insultingly poisonous. They dare to make themselves inedible to their betters by shutting down our kidneys and/or livers which, contrary to popular belief, are necessary for our continued survival. The insult does not end there, however! If they limited our consumption to just avoiding them that might be one thing but their very shape and demeanour is so similar to delectable cousin fungi that there is precious little way of knowing if the mushroom in your hand will lead to gastronomical bliss or death at the hands of this sessile assassin. Taking oneself off the menu is one thing; taking others with you is deplorable. There's nothing to be done but fight them with fire and possibly ants.

Also, their scientific name is possibly a penis joke which should be discouraged.

I Judge them: Worthy of extinction. (no caveat, no exceptions, only fire)

Alexandrium Fundyense

Alexandium fundyense


Red tides? Neuromuscular toxins? Now this is a species. Maybe not the healthiest for mankind but its potential for use against our enemies, especially the dreaded shellfish. Not only are they awesome in their own right but they owe us. Due to our diligent sweep of the sea for all comestible life, their numbers have expanded and their beautiful blooms can be seen like blood off the coast of New England. We share a lot with these little fellas and I say we fortify that bond. Now, ideally, we would use our sciences to make their saxitoxin useless against mankind but that might limit our ability to use them against our enemies. Either way it's a win though and I am left highly satisfied.

Not much taste and plankton are not suited well for hat making but their potential for conquest clearly puts them over the top.

I judge them: Worthy of Existence (unless they begin to invade our shores in which case we must destroy them with fire)

Black and Yellow Argiope

Argiope aurantia

In usual circumstances, I am fond of killer arachnids who feed upon lesser insects for our amusement but I'm afraid that I must veer from my usual course in the case of this degenerate species. Despite their striking features which, while unsuitable for hat-making, might look good on a brooch or heraldry, this creature has done nothing for mankind aside from get referenced in a rather lugubrious song.

More than their unservile nature is the frightening sexual relationships which could give the wrong ideas to today's youth about how to pursue a healthy coexistence with each other. The males, being three times smaller than the female (already a sign of trouble) die during intercourse thus blocking further access to the female from still breathing rival males. This teaches our youths that dying during sexual intercourse is common and acceptable and not just for aged rock stars. Such lessons are deplorable and I cannot support them.

I Judge them: Worthy of Extinction (until such a time as they get their act together)

Peregrine Falcon

Falco peregrinus

Ah, the majestic swoop and nerve-scraping screech of these fine birds sends a cold shiver of delight through me. As I gaze upon these magnificent creatures I cannot help but think about how glorious it would be to have their wings stuffed and mounted upon a large helmet to frighten my enemies as they frighten the other birds of the airs. It's such a waste that we allowed chemicals like DDT to thin their numbers when we should have been going out there with clubs and slings and doing the job for ourselves. It says something about the lack of artisanal pride in this world.

Our scientists, for once, are making themselves useful and using their dark arts to return to life these proud and delicious sky ogres. In return, the Peregrines have offered their services as watch birds, patrolling the skies and frightening off sea gulls and other less glorious bird life from our airports and oil patches. While outsourcing the terrorizing of nature gives me pause, I'm happy to see that we have truly humbled these creatures and await the days when their numbers are high enough that I can order them braised in any restaurant of my choosing.

I Judge them: Worthy of Existence (unless we find new and way cool uses for DDT like dyeing the oceans pink)

Deep Blue Chromis

Chromis Abyssus


This tricky little fellow evaded notice from mankind's ravenous maw for ages but as of ten years ago, we discovered them prancing around coral reefs as if they had the right. Although no official report has been made as to their taste, I am sure that the sweetness of our victory over this elusive species is a far richer sauce than any the French could devise. To think of the sheer gall and tenacity this fish must have had to slink away into its abyssal homes instead of making itself easily ingestible by its superiors. What's worse is that it brings to mind all the other fish, mollusks, low flying birds, and monotremes hiding out there, trying to stay off our menus and avoiding warming our heads. Well, if we found the Deep Blue Chromis, you hitherto unknown stew ingredient, we'll find you. Mark my words.

I judge it: Worthy of Existence (Although the sooner we eat these things into oblivion, the better a lesson we'll teach to the others)

Wolbachia Pipientis

Wolbachia Pipientis

Despite sounding like the name of a Cold War dictator, Wolbachia Pipientis is actually a fairly useful little bacteria. Normally, I would classify all bacteria as worthy of extinction but I am willing to make a slight exception in this case for one very simple reason: they can't touch us! That's right, this bacteria feeds only on insects and for that we should all sigh in relief. Now, what it does to insects is rather strange and perhaps not all that wholesome. It kills males which I am against except in the case of insects but it also encourages gender bending as males become females which I disapprove of any culture! (except for human ones because we've earned that right) Now I'm sure some "scientists" will tell you that these bacteria are important for the sake of evolutionary blah blah blah but they are wrong. Also, they are ugly.

So Wolbachia gets points for infecting insects but loses them for its strange fetishes. Also, it's too small for hat production.

I judge it: Worthy of Existence. (However, if it somehow crosses over to messing with human junk, we're going to have words)

Cacao

Theobroma cacao

Ah, the source of so much delight and so many stretchy pants, I must say up front that I am highly pleased with this tree. In my investigations, though I have discovered that Cacao has an even greater contribution to mankind's endeavours as it was highly connected to that most terrifying of gods, Quetzalcoatl and used in blood rituals by the Aztecs, a proud and powerful example of mankind's prowess.

So for reasons of deliciousness, blood magic, and the untapped possibility of comfortable hatness, I think I shall grant this pleasant and completely innocuous plant my approval.

I judge it: Worthy of existence (The vanilla pod on the other hand can go straight to hell)

Imperial Blue Butterfly

Jalmenus evagoras

A wretched example of the undemocratic principles that the founding fathers fought and shed their bled to rid our nation of. These Australian warlords are nothing more than petty dictators and like most war criminals, they distract the media with their garish sense of style. Why should we allow these abuses to go on? How can we sleep when millions of ants are being chemically controlled to serve as bodyguards and slaves to the youths of this ruling caste? When will we free our acacia plants from their tyranny? I say its time we arm our lepidopterists with tiny handguns and let them give freedom to the world.

Also, I don't care how many bushels you sew together, these things make poor hats.

I judge it: Worthy of extinction (unless they are willing to teach us how to control ants to fight our enemies.)

Green Anole

Anolis carolinensis



At first glance, these unremarkable creatures seem like just another embarrassing hold over from the failed experiment of reptilian dominance we know as the age of dinosaurs. On a few more glances, however, it is clear to see that there may be more to these small greenish, brownish lizards. Sure they scuttle about and make a general nuisance without serving any particular gastronomical duty of which I'm aware but thanks to man's finest scientists, we may just have a use for them. It seems that their brains, while paling in comparison to ours as far as free verse poetry and rocketry are concerned, are incredibly useful for the study of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the dreaded Tourette's Syndrome. While I disapprove of reptiles fastidiously rearranging sections of American forest or breaking out into swears during awkward mating attempts, it gives me some small comfort to know that we are learning more about our own magnificent species and how to improve ourselves at their loss.

Their size does not make them conducive towards making a hat although in theory one could do so out of a bushel or so of them although I cannot attest to the comfort or stylishness thereof.

I judge it: Worthy of Existence (until we have exhausted its use in the psychological field at which point, it's gumbo time)

Prairie Sphagnum

Sphagnum palustre

Now this is something I can get behind. A moss that kills! Well, stuns really. And only bacteria. But still, this bog dwelling peat serves man in numerous ways and thus, justifies its very existence. Moss is soothing in its moist and spongy composition and when applied to wounds, does its best to keep its master alive through bountiful absorbency and its antiseptic nature. But that is not all! It also finds many uses in our thriving horticultural business so as to keep our economy afloat in these harsh times. (which I think can be blamed on the phytoplankton.)

As a young child I would merrily sit amongst the moss, marveling in its beauty before noticing how easily it tears from the earth and how far it travels when flung. For such pleasant childhood memories, I thank you Prairie Sphagnum. I would also happily wear you as a hat.

I judge it: Worthy of existence (though we must keep a close eye on it and make sure it has no nefarious and hitherto-unknown scheme to control our brains.)

Yellow Fever Mosquito

Aedes aegypti


Growing up in West Africa and then in the Southern United States, I am quite familiar with the wretched mosquito but I don't know if this variety has ever come across me. Regardless, I must say I'm unimpressed. You know that you as a species have made some terrible life decisions when to distinguish you from your other parasite cousins, man must name you after a disease. It would be nice to think that there might have been other Fever Mosquitoes out there and this one had distinctive yellow markings but that is not the case and so I continue to be underwhelmed.

The EoL does have some fine praise for this vile source of plague by noting that it shares one of man's nobler qualities, namely Adaptability. The Yellow Fever Mosquito will make its home anywhere and everywhere like a winged pioneer colonizing your house and then going out to harvest your precious hemoglobin. It almost inspires a sense of pride in this jewel of the sky until one remembers that it is a cursed vector of disease and the more oil we dump in open bodies of water to kill off their numbers, the better the world will be.

In the end, they are unsavoury for consumption, unpleasing to the eye and would not make for any decent sort of hat so I find no use for them.

I judge it: Worthy of extinction (with the caveat that they might prove useful if we could somehow use pheromones or cosmic radiation to have them target our enemies)