Pygmy Marmoset

Callithrix pymaea

The Encyclopedia of Life has betrayed my trust and refused to fill its banks with any useful information except for that regarding fish and even then they are fairly wretched articles so I have taken it upon myself to resort to the common man's Wikipedia in order to continue my quest to judge the panoply of life. While the information may not be pertinent, relevant or even accurate, it is at least existent and that's good enough for me. So where was I?

Ah yes, the Pygmy Marmoset: the Chicken Nugget of the Primates. Small, compact and easily digestible, these little fellows gambol about in the savage jungles of the more southern America, waiting for bold adventurers to capture them and prepare them for the consumption of the general populace. While not having a great deal of meat on their tiny bones or much fur on their playful bodies, these little fellows remind us of just how glorious we are. All of primatedom can come together and devour these, the smallest of monkeys and no-one could blame us.

I judge them: Worthy of Existence. Because someone has to live at the bottom and it might as well be these little mittens-to-be.

Now with audio!

White Pine Weevil

Pissodes strobi

I judged it worthy of extinction and lo, a way was provided. The enemy of pines everywhere, this creature just may be our ticket to a treeless paradise. Imagine if we could use our science to monkey with this weevil's mechanics so we could target any trees, not just pines. Why, our power over those silent and looming menaces would be complete. The trees may have declared war but God has given us the A-bomb.

Also, just look at that proboscis; doesn't make you just want to curl up with the little sucker. I know I do. Let's give a little hurrah for our little friend. Don't worry though, if they get out of hand, there are some lovely parasites that enjoy the taste of the Pine Weevil's young. It's win win!

I Judge them: Worthy of Existence (as far as our war on trees is concerned)

Now with Audio!

Eastern White Pine

Pinus strobus

I have never trusted trees and the Eastern White Pine is no exception. I find something deeply unsettling about their cold and distant nature, as if they harbour the dark secrets of the world in their grisly core. Trees have paid obeisance to man through furniture and cudgel making for aeons and yet still they loom over us, questioning our authority with their very height. This pine has certainly contributed much to mankind's endeavours in this hemisphere through medicine, softwood furniture and, presumably, comfortable cudgels. Oh, and switches, let us never forget switches with which we repair the headstrong nature of today's youths. Despite this seeming generosity, until the pine bows to its lords and masters, I will never truly accept it.

I Judge them: Worthy of Extinction (Ow! I have a sharp pain in my kidneys! If only there were something I could brew into tea to alleviate the symptoms. Ah well.)

Now with Audio!

Atlantic Cod

Gadus morhua

Initial research into this fish produced nothing of interest. It's a cod, we eat it, the end. Aside from their cannibalistic attention paid to their young, there was hardly anything to judge here. Then, gentle reader, I checked the EOL's Common Name section and that's where the magic happened. Due to the large quantities of cod devoured by man, we have come to pay it a lot of attention but can't seem to agree on a name.

Here is just a smattering of the myriad pseudonyms for this aquatic c-student: The berry fish, the breeder, the bull dog, the Christmas fish, cod (unsurprisingly although it is also known as the cod-fish to avoid confusion), Duffy, the dumb fish, the eating fish, fish (why not?), the grog fish, the hard cure, the hen, the Italian, the Laggy, the Merchantable, the mother fish, the old soaker, the pea, the slop, the snig, the snub, the strip, the torsk, and the tom-cod. These are only a sample and the list goes on and on in multiple languages. From these names, a richer perspective of this fish opens up. Apparently they are dumb, eaten at Christmas and also a fish. What a remarkable vocabulary our fish-naming ancestors had.

I Judge them: Worthy of Extinction (I'm really not a fan of fish, besides, I think we're done with this one)

Rufous Twistwing

Cnipodectes superrufus

With striking plumage and a name reminiscent of a Dickensian villain, the rufous twistwing is a delightfully strange little bird. Found in South America where it flitters close to the ground devouring unseemly flies, it should showcase to us the resounding variety found throughout life on earth. It should also frighten us with its red eyes that scream death. Some birds are still dinosaurs and this one is a startling example. Just look at it perched on that fine human hand. Its malicious gaze speaks volumes of hatred and a patient loathing. On top of that, this tyrannid has the ability, through its misshapen wings, to produce a mechanical whirring sound as it tears through the undergrowth, looking for life to snuff. We must be very careful and very wary around this miniature killer lest we fall victim to it.

Its striking plumage would add a nice accent to a tyrolean hat or any other hat found in mountain climes.

I Judge it: Worthy of Existence (if for no other reason than to keep the flies in constant terror)

Giant Helicopter Damselfly

Megaloprepus caerulatus


These South American arboreal dwellers are a fascinating study and I include them for two reasons. First off, they teach today's youth a valuable lessons as their larvae fight and eat each other for dominance and supposedly, to impress girls. I feel that the school systems could only be improved if ritualized cannibalism were introduced into the elementary classrooms. Obviously, as humans, we would keep it contained and controlled and possibly charge admission to watch but it could only aid our ailing education process. Secondly, the adults feed on a former entry, our good old friend the orbweaver spider. I have to say, it takes stones being a wispy looking thing with the name damselfly and going straight into spiderwebs after a creature that is much cooler and more evil-looking than you. My applause.

Unfortunately, there is little to no hat potential with these things. I really hope the EOL starts adding some mammals because my head is getting cold.

I Judge them: Worthy of existence (especially if we can grow some supersized ones and use them to target giant enemy spiderwebs)

Cafeteria Roenbergensis

Cafeteria roenbergensis

In this politically correct day, it is considered racist to speak ill of scientists but I feel I must risk being labeled thus so that the truth will out. To be frank, scientists are running out of names for things. If the Mark Knopflerosaurus weren't proof enough, behold the Cafeteria roenbergensis. Now this hungry little fellow is an industrious little bacteria eater and goes about its singular task with aplomb. It flagellates around in the oceans, doing its duty to the supposed "ecosystem." Lazy scientists, however, when taxed with taxonomy decided to name this creature after the first thing they saw, namely a hostel in Denmark. This would be like me eating a hamburger, spotting some new strain of lemur and deciding that Hamburger Mcdonaldensis is a deucedly fine name for this arboreal creature. Lazy and lame.

I Judge them: Worthy of Extinction (To teach scientists a lesson and to encourage creativity amongst their ranks. Perhaps they should consider hiring more theatre majors, hint hint.)